1 roll = $15
9-pack = $500
Log and Toylit's Crap poems reprinted on actual toilet paper! "Soft on your anus, hard on the poetry establishment." Limited edition of 96 rolls numbered and signed. The first 9 come in a special package with original artwork by Toilet.
Crap Poetry Toilet Paper
by Log & Toilet (2006)"One for the Goddess"
Kali kuntorts outside my yacht
Moaning like she’s giving birth
Blood is pouring from her twat
I drink a hundred dollars worth
So place my heart and all I got
Upon the stone of sacrifice
May all illusions fade and rot
And sacrifice this paradise
This lonesome bag of piss and shit
Loves only the Destroyer
There’s no escaping, this is it
You better call your lawyer
$5
Poster-size manifesto of the "Crap Poetry Movement" with illustrations by Toilet.
Crap Poetry Manifesto
by Log, Toilet, & Two (2006)
"Crap Poetry Manifesto"
Crap poetry is what happens to good poetry after you eat it and you’re left with nothing but a sack of appealing gelatinous goop swelling in a storm of indecision. There’s no place for conclusion, destination, evolution. Just beginnings of turds, partially formed words, badly drawn birds, half-eaten curds, and YOU. What is the redeeming value of the dying screams of an animal except to inspire guilt and make children cry? The Dadaists abandoned reason. We abandon hygiene. Farts for forever!
The world is devolving into the raw sewage slush of a psychological maelstrom. Classicism is the faggy flower of culture, fragrant formalism for fidgety fags. Decadence is the dykish fruit of culture, faggier still and addicted to painkillers. Crap is what’s left of the fruit of culture after all the nutrition has been sucked out of it and it’s been ejected out the anus. If money is the sexuality of the dead and your hair is a tunnel into the past then we have more poetry up our asses than exists in the entire Puniverse.
We are the mighty poetic proctologists, the conquistadors of the mighty brown-out of civilization. As crap poets, our biggest job is to not be watching television. As long as we’re not watching television, we’re winning. We want to poison our own minds, thank you very much. Because poetry is the least important thing, it’s the most important thing. Like the Taoists say, “Know the big, but stick to the small.” Similarly, “Know talent, but stick to the crap.”
Cough. Catastrophe. Christ-Consciousness. Retards. Raunchiness. Rage. Apathy. Androgynes. Astroglide. Prickle. Prosthetic. Pucker up!
To say that a poem stinks is to make the synesthetic leap from words on paper to a sensual experience. In crap poetry there's no such thing as writer's block. Our motto is "Just push through." There’s nowhere left except failure. Our only regret is our failure to destroy all our talent.
Why wheedle the approval from some fucking intellectual asshole? We’re the shit!
$5
Combines Andy Comess's 4 self-published chapbooks Dry, Jerk, Heartbreak, and Nitwit.
DryJerkHeartbreakNitwit
by Andy Comess (2008)"Untitled"
selfish shellfish swim
Slim rocks
cocks are dicks
hicks lick balls
in the hall of fame
I came.black sluts
have a knack for my nuts.I write every day
I don't fight
no way.
$5
Poems about alien octopuses, androgynous cyborg pirates, psychadelic facists, zombie clowns, and Satan.
Alien Sex Bullet
by Log (2008)"Zombie Clown Parade"
If you’re Lucky you Die
A Little Each Day-
Shedding Snake Skin of the Past-
In a Zombie Clown Parade.
Our Makers Won’t Deny Us-
the Thrill of Love’s Sweet Kill.
The Animals are Restless,
Close your Mouth to Pop this Pill.
Fledgling Pharmacy of Forgotten Prescriptions
The Drugs are in your Head!
Try to Tame the Animal-
Join the March of the Living Dead!
$5
The book that started the Crap Poetry Movement. Because poetry is the least important thing, it's the most important thing. Poetry is the "Last Nowhere."
The Last Nowhere
by Log & Toilet (2005)
"Intentional Splooge"
Failure is not Random
The Drool of the Sputtering
Nympho Retard Lubricates
The Barf of the Beaten
Addict Decorates
The Endless Processing
PLART PLART SPLURT
of the Insatiate Lesbian Interrogates
and so Love and Poetics
Can Only be Measured in Loss.
Dental Floss. I’m the Boss
of Gently Laying my Scrotum
on Your Eye Socket.
$5
The 2nd book of Crap poems written and illustrated by Log and Toylit (new spelling). Long live Crap Poetry!
Craplexity
by Log & Toylit (2006)
From "Puffy the Clampire Slayer"
I am a Soldier,
I am a Sexually Transmitted Disease,
Like Language or Syphilis
I Only Aim to Please
My Maker My Destroyer
My Star-Spangled Dracula.
Here They Come to Scrape Me off the Street
The Brides of Count SpatulaThe Ruins of My Realm of Art
Lie Smoldering like Rwanda
I Still Sleep Beneath the Bushes
When I Got Some Kawabunga.
$5
Log and Toylit's Crap poems in French. Translated by Mao Thing Awf.
5 Poèmes CRAP de Los Angeles
par Log & Toylit / traduit par Mao Thing Awf (2006)"Splooge Intentional"
L'Echec n'est pas au Hasard
La Bave de Baigue
De Nympho-Arrière Lubrifiée
Degueulie de Perdant
Addict Décore
Procédé sans Fin
PLART PLART SPLURT
de la Lesbienne Insatiable Interroger
et donc L'Amour et La Poésie
Ne Peuvent Qu'être Mesures en Pèrte.
File Dentaire. Je suis le Maître
de Gentillement Assoire mon Scrotum
sur la Prunelle de tes Yeux
$5
Short film of Log and Toylit reading Crap poems at Beyond Baroque.
Crap Poetry at Beyond Baroque
by Log & Toylit / directed by Mr. Baer (2006)
$5
"Sleep with FAT WOMEN
and wake up hungry. That's what my shrink had to say.
I was shrinking daily.
Thirsty midgets need LOVE too..."
--Mao Thing Awf
The Crapture
by Mao Thing Awf (2008)
"21st Sensory"
Shakespeare was a Catholic
Rimbaud was a fag
Homer blind and
Sappho on the rag.Hemingway a redneck
Proust was really sick
and Henry Miller couldn't write
enough about his dick.Whenever we pick up the pen
they make us look like crap.
The 21st century is eight years old
and sitting on your lap.
$5
"Here in Southern California, we have been fighting against Poetry since last week. If you look around, it is obvious that we have won that contest, hands down."
--Toylit
Obliterature
by Toylit (2008)
"I am Toylit"
I am Toylit
Your ass is mine
Just keep me working
Everything comes out just fine
You know I don't got nothing
I know that's what you need
You need me to make you empty
So you can go out and feed –
I see you gotta go
But before you doo
Reflect upon my plight
As you spew
I am Toylit
You're all just using me
I must be out of my mind
But I am here for you
So let's get this over with quick.
$15
How little can you say and still call it a poem? Or are you just being a little nuts -- a tad squirrelly? Alden explores the limits in these funny and often moving short poems selected from Herzog's Pig, Knee Driving, and new work.
Published as a paperback book (not a chapbook).
ISBN 978-0-9820140-0-4
Little Nuts
by Alden Marin (Tushy) (2008)"Not Not Poetry"
There's a guy who works
at PC Greens to whom I
give my poetry books –
today he said, "I really
like your work!" I said,
"Yeah, thanks – it's not
really poetry..." to which
he replied, "Yeah, but
it's not not poetry."
$5
"I took a picture of a big pink pig once in 1977 on Crete, and sent it to Werner Herzog. He then sent me a very nice 'thank you' note that I still have."
--Tushy
Herzog's Pig
by Tushy (2008)"Lamp"
If you think about it,
this word is almost a
girl's name spelled
backwards: Pamela.
$5
"Driving with one knee is 1/10th of 1% of my life, but it's also potentially the most dangerous part."
--Tushy
Knee Driving
by Tushy (2008)"Moon in Mexico"
Carlos Almaraz sent me
a postcard of the moon
in Mexico. Then he died
a year later.
$5
"I love to put pennies in the parking meter even though they don't register because I know it pisses off the parking people."
--Tushy
Pennies in the Parking Meter
by Tushy (2009)"She Kept Making Coffee"
At the Coffee Bean this
morning I spilled a full
cup of hot tea all over the
place and said loudly, "I
spilled my tea –
somebody please get a
mop over here, right
away!" The lady making
coffee just smiled, said,
"Okay," and kept on
making coffee.
$5
Haiku-length studies in "Poo-etry," the ancient art of flushing your mind of all inspiration.
The Tao of Poo-etry
by Two (2006)"Untitled"
I'd rather just write this poem
than stop to think about
what I'm going to say.
The pen is moving and
I'm watching it move.
$5
The Tao of Poo-etry in German. Translated by Boris Kruse.
Das Tao der Puuh-esie
von Two / übersetzt von Boris Kruse (2007)"Ohne Titel"
Ich würde lieber einfach
dieses Gedicht schreiben
als aufzuhören, darüber
nachzudenken, was ich
sagen könnte. Der Stift
bewegt sich und ich
beobachte ihn dabei,
wie er sich bewegt.
$5
"POOF!" in reverse (i.e. it's already there). Crap poems written in one minute or less.
FOOP!
by Two (2007)"Untitled"
I don't eat meat. A fish
contorts in dark water.
It's like watching a
chemical reaction.
Without rain everything is
a lot more fun. See the
desert in the distance. I
know why this is not a
pipe.
$5
A book of short happy poems about Berlin.
Happy Poems
by Two (2007)"Untitled"
My favorite place in
Berlin is Alexanderplatz.
That's where I stopped
walking on my first day in
the city. I still find its big
open square relaxing.